Thursday, November 17, 2011


Hello, World! NocturnELLE ONCE AGAIN!!!! Just finished taking a test in Cultural Foods, it was only 22 questions! (I typed up both sets of questions that the class made up for Chapters 9 and 10 for my teacher. It sucks that I didn't get extra credit, but I needed to redeem myself due to absences)! I think I GOT THEM ALL RIGHT! I HOPE SO! Lol so I'm just chilling at the library until my next class starts and decided to do a little blogging. I'm surprised how I'm even able to post on my blog (despite the fact that the posts are indeed sporadic and not necessarily consistent) because I am suffering from the two worst kinds of WRITER'S BLOCK. Type One being if I'm stuck on writing one thing, I'll move on to something else or just start something entirely new. Type Two is similar to Type One except nothing happens at all! I have no idea HOW to fix it, I also haven't worked on my tattoo coffe table book in almost 4 months. Amy says I need inspiration and I can't force it, which is indeed true but it can't and won't always be like that though.

It royally sucks how in life, obtaining things like beauty and money will get you ahead and make things easier. Talent is one thing, but the latter really isn't fair even though it's inevitable. I never realized how helpless I'd be without money and how hard things were once it was gone. Things with my mom's lawsuit are still in limbo, and my dad is cutting us off after my 21st birthday. I don't even know if I'm going to have the promised birthday party and because of all of this I can't even plan anything. I was getting so frustrated that I forced my mom to tell me that I wasn't having the party. She did but then she said I would if things changed. It's breaking my heart even if that did sound selfish. Planning parties really is my forte. I'm fantastic at it and I've always been much happier when planning one of my birthday parties, I planned my entire Sweet 16 and 18th birthday parties on my own. I do have some things written down, but it still upsets me. It bothers me about how bad behavior is rewarded and people that lie, steal, and backstab get the good life. I know a few gold diggers that are manipulating their sugar daddies into giving them the world, lying and stealing from them. I tell the truth and get denied for food stamps.

It hasn't been too easy finding a job either despite my over qualifications. No joke, in over a year and a half I've applied for 100 jobs and nothing. I finally got an interview with Target and got rejected, only to recieve a "Now Hiring" email about 2 hours later. I've attempted to ask for help from friends in supposed high places only for them to then turn around and attempt to take advantage of me. Whomever I've asked to help me always says "What are you gonna do for me?" and/or "What do I get out of it?" and/or "What's in it for me?" WHY CAN'T ANYBODY JUST HELP ME WITHOUT TRYING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME, ESPECIALLY KNOWING MY SITUATION?!?!?

This is happening because people are selfish and vindictive and malicious. Primarally though, they want sexual favors in return. My one friend tried to get me into bikini and lingerie modeling semi nude because he said it makes really good money (that I needed) which was cool, but A. I aspire for a serious acting career, I can't take that kind of risk (and this guy told me that all exposure is good. BULLSH*T!!!!) and B. He's not the best photographer, his models and poses are amatuer and he does a REALLY sh*tty terrible editing job. I know a chick that Photo Shops her pictures to the point where she looks 98% DIFFERENT FROM HOW SHE ACTUALLY LOOKS. The pictures make her look pretty stunning, but not in real life. This guy took pix of this girl I knew and he left in blemishes, acne scars, stretch marks, and cellulite. I'm not discriminating, but if I'm doing a sexy photo shoot and want to eventually send those pictures into a modeling agency, I'D CERTAINLY WANT THEM TO BE LESS THAN POSSIBLE PERFECTION! Even though he claims that my Canon Rebel is for amatuers and that he knows from experience. The way I see it, when it comes to cameras, especially SLR's, you'r either Nikon or Canon, and I'm Canon.  Anyways, so I kept saying no and he told me to "stop being shy" and I said I wasn't shy it wasn't something I wanted to do. All in all, you have to be comfortable with your body and in your own skin, which I'm 50/50. I somewhat commend performance artists and actors that do nudity once established in their careers, but I don't condone girls doning this kind of modeling necessarily especially if they aspire for something bigger and better. It just looks ridiculous and slutty and that's all they'll ever get because they'll be typecast: WHITE TRASH MODELING. Despite what I think, he does get a lot of photography work, mainly from the local girls in the area that either don't have the money for a better photographer or are desperate to be photographed. He's claimed to have helped other girls get into that kind of modeling but he actually kept saying he was gonna help somebody else instead, like trying to manipulate me into it.  Then he said he'd set up a massage business for me in a backroom at his house where I'd make $200 an hour or a day to give massages wearing something sexy or topless, I told him he might as well call it prostitution because it was pretty close to it. Now he either wants a sexy photo shoot or a topless happy ending massage to get me an office job or to start up the gourmet dessert catering business my mom and I really want to have. I know I have to be careful, which I have been so far. Except it bothers me because he brags about this and that and he won't help me unless I service him and he knows about my situation.

What I really want more than anything is somebody to love me the way Taylor did, the way I know I deserve to be loved. I felt protected when I had him, but now he's gone and I don't know if he'll ever be coming back again. It's almost as if he's dead. My friend Shelly told me that it'd be easier to pretend he was dead so I can move on. A few weeks ago I found out he broke up with Ursala the Sea Witch (Formerly known as Mother Hippo), only to get back together with her. I know why, it's survival of the fittest, and he is most likely using her for a place to live. What if she's his one true love and they're meant to be? I knew he wasn't mine, and I told him that, but he was the one for RIGHT THEN/RIGHT NOW. I'm getting depressed again due to the holidays. Thanksgiving is coming up, this is the second year it's not at our house (Last year it was at Grandma's, but we were still in our old house, not the camper) but the first year we're not in our house. I seriously don't want to be around, I'd love to just go away to Santa Barbra or something, same for Christmas. I don't even know if I'm going to Christmas Eve dinner with my dad's family thanks to Kaylin throwing me under the bus at the wedding. I'll blog separately about that, most likely. I'll start crying if I do it now and I don't want to cry. I wounder if Taylor were still here and if we were still together if I'd be spending Thanksgiving with him. 

I guess what I'm saying is I really want somebody to rescue me. I'm not sitting around waiting for Prince Charming, rather just The Next Best Thing. I know that you have to let it come to you, but you can't always rely on things working that way, sometimes you have to go out and find somebody, that's how I got Taylor.

URGH! I don't really know what else to say. I just feel so entirely useless and insignificant in my life. I hope things change. Good Morning, Sun. Good Morning, World. Until I blog again... I'll sign off with some of the from one of my favorite songs from the musical RENT "Will I"

Will I lose my dignity?
Will someone care?
Will I wake tomorrow
From this nightmare?
Elana Jade Rebel <3

No comments:

Post a Comment